The reward for staying home
Pre-parents have to be the most optimistic folks in the world. “I’m not going to disappear!” I told friends while pregnant. “I refuse to be one of those new moms who vanishes the moment the baby’s born. You’ll see me at all the same parties, I’ll go out to dinner, we’ll have you guys over – it will be exactly the same…only Seabass will be there, too.”
Well, shoot. I wish I could be That Mom. The one who looks stunning in a breezy summer dress at the restaurant, holding her bright-eyed baby loosely on her lap while sipping Prosecco, eating a chopped salad, and laughing contagiously. The one who has no fear of a full calendar. The one who puts her baby in the car seat and drives to Timbuktu while he sleeps peacefully. The one who can nurse at the cafe while simultaneously reading the NY Times. Who uses the baby as a weight for bicep curls. Who showers. Who even looks showered.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am not That Mom – and that Seabass is not that baby – has been a big, nasty adjustment. It all started with Jake’s paternity leave.
He’d been approved for three weeks’ vacation time when the baby came, and we envisioned the four of us (me, Jake, C and Murph) going to the beach, wine tasting, and completing longstanding projects around the house. Instead, we spent those 21 days bouncing on the exercise ball, changing diapers, nursing, swaddling, sleeping, and guessing a lot. There were whole days spent in pajamas. Whole days spent with furry teeth.
I wish I could say it got a lot better after those first few weeks, but it didn’t. Seabass started waking up, revealing his true nature. He screamed going on and coming off the breast (reflux), which meant I didn’t feel comfortable nursing in public. He often couldn’t relax without being swaddled, which meant we couldn’t put him in the car seat to go grocery shopping. His naps were sporadic at best, and they would only happen if he was at home in his crib. He cried if he wasn’t eating. He cried if he wasn’t sleeping. The one “silver bullet” to keep him from howling was (is) the exercise ball, which I cannot and will not bring with me everywhere I go.
So instead, we stay home.
You know, everything in our society tells women that we can “have it all.” As a new mom, I’ve been scolded countless times that if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of the baby. But what exactly constitutes self-care? Is it the bottom level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, including the basics of eating, sleeping and hygiene? That’s not usually the context, no. When people recommend that I “take care of myself,” it usually implies doing something I want to do, rather than something I need to do. Very different.
And also, I’ve decided, not good for me.
How do I know this? Whenever I “take care of myself” by making Seabass revolve around me – whether by working out, seeing friends, or cooking something other than Hamburger Helper – the baby flips out and inflicts pain back onto me. I feel like we spend the next 24 hours re-calibrating through weeping and gnashing of teeth. It’s dreadful.
But if I look first to the baby’s needs – a solid nap in his crib at the regular time, a long nursing in the rocking chair, keeping that stupid exercise ball within arms’ reach 24 hours a day – I find that my life is more serene and manageable, even if it has become tragically small. (Approximately 900 square feet small!) While parenting Seabass has meant an abrupt cessation of life as I once knew it, the more I’ve embraced the fact that I can’t be That Mom, the richer my life has become.
By no means is this a painless lesson, though. The day I realized that having Seabass prohibited me from leaving the house, I sat down at my laptop to decline a full inbox worth of invitations for lunches, going-away parties, bridal showers, movies, writing work, walks on the beach, etc. Fat tears squiggled down my cheeks as I repeated the sad refrain: “I’m sorry. I just can’t commit to anything right now. Maybe next December?” But the moment I was truthful with them and myself was the first really freeing moment of my foray into parenthood thus far.
So, to all Those Moms out there who manage to do it all – have it all – while the baby just comes along for the ride, congratulations! You are blessed. But to the rest of you who struggle disproportionately with babies who can’t and won’t adjust, I grant you permission to go underground. Forget having it all. Do your best to enjoy having what you have.
See you next spring. Maybe summer.
I am Jaime, wife to Jacob. We are the smitten, stupefied, sometimes scared silly parents of a precious boy nicknamed Seabass and a darling girl nicknamed Sweet Chuck.
Higher Highs, Lower Lows 
Heartbreaking truth, but at least we’re (me included) getting better at acceptance. Nice article!
Thanks for sharing! You are an honest and refreshing writer! Trust me, you are not alone! Both of my kiddos were colicky the first 3 months and I can relate to EVERYTHING you said! The amazing and somewhat comical thing about it, is that you soon forget those hard first few months. It takes reading someone’s blog or talking with a new mom to bring about those hard but also precious memories. You are stunning and Seabass is beautiful and healthy. In my humble opinion, you are THAT mom! You are THAT mom that embraces her role and acknowledges that life with a baby does look different. Before you know it, you will be back in the swing. Enjoy and treasure your most precious gift!
‘That mom’ hardly ever happens with the first one. Occasionally by the second, and many times by the third. (Mostly because thirds automatically come with an inherently good nature. They self-care practically out of the womb.) Recognizing that you are not ‘that mom’ is a little like getting to adulthood. When a teenager, we all think that being an adult will be all about doing ‘what I want, when I want to do it’. ‘Real motherhood’, like ‘real adulthood’, is one huge smack upside the head.
Don’t know about your birth order theory, definitely relate to the smack in the head experience. Figured out that contrary to our fantasy that a newborn is an opportunity to use our skills in molding the perfect child, the babies actually raise US.
Jamie, you may not know that you are in a very tiny minority of moms who make the choice and effort to breastfeed. That is the most important work there is, you can be arrested for doing it, and it is a full-time job. The moms who ‘do it all’ either live in aboriginal societies where they get support whenever they or the baby want it, or they have servants called nannies, or the baby is in a day care institution for 10-12 hrs/day.
Do it Your way.
Hey Jamie! I love your article and don’t feel guilty at all. But I have to admit I am torn. As the parent of 3- all colicky- kids, staying at home became lonely, very lonely. While I don’t suggest trying to do it all- I do suggest getting people to come to you, at the very least.
My husband and I now make small goals- we will visit one friend this week and travel at least one time this month (by travel I mean a day trip with a car ride lasting over an hour.) And yes, it is much, much easier to stay at home- especially with the first, and I assure you Seabass will get easier in time.
And maybe it’s just me, I just go for it now! Of course, I would have been locked in my house for 3.5 years now, which I can not do- I love being out and about…and while I am by no means the Mom sipping a drink while my kid sits on my lap, I am out there- normally pacing and bouncing with a fussy baby and two crazy toddlers grabbing a bite between bounces, but I am out there- wreaking havoc on those around mw! AND We did start traveling with the exercise ball. (But a word from the experienced if you do take it in high altitudes get a new ball…ours popped while bouncing our second after a trip to the Sierras!)
“That mom” does not exist. I think any mom would relate to your experiences and I applaud you. It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love. Cheers!
Maternal sense of Raaaaia
you will get back to the parties and the market — hang in there! thank you for the honesty. i had a hard time adjusting to life after babies, i’m grateful for what they’ve shown me– i’m selfish, i’m broken and loving them is truly the be medicine for both!!
http://traceygjones.com
This is a wonderful post and oh! so true. It is nice to know other feel the same. My youngest is 18 months and I still am “Not That Mom”! Bless you!
How beautiful. Thank you for your honesty and I can promise you, there are many new moms and moms-to-be who would appreciate what you say more than you know!
It gets easier, I absolutely promise. Those first few weeks (months, for some) are a whirlwird. A learning process for both mom & dad and baby. In no time, after hiding out from the world for little awhile, you will re-emerge as that confident, calendar full, loosely bouncing baby mom. You look back on the early days & laugh but also with pride because you did it & you survived.
Oh my Lord, this post is about me, isn’t it? I have a 3-month old and I get mad everyday that someone didn’t tell me how unbelievably hard parenting is. I love my daughter infinitely, but being a new mom is all-consuming. My life is truly not my own.
Back in the day, had to shower with MY little darling so both of us could get clean. A slippery baby develops One’s reflexes. We were together 24/7: wasn’t MY life either. You can’t explain this to anybody not “experienced”, they don’t understand. WE do , though, and that’s what counts.
And this scares me even more to have my second child, my first son was so good it was scary and i just have this feeling its going to be hell and i hope i can handle myself.
I am not THAT MOM either. Now that my son is 18 months old, it is easier to go places with him in tow, however, he still does much better when we stick to HIS routine. The routine we use was established by my son. He gets up, eats, plays then naps (IN HIS CRIB). He gets up, eats, plays, then naps again in his crib. He gets up, eats, plays, takes a bath, reads a book, then down for the night in his crib. I have adjusted to HIS schedule. I do interrupt it sometimes but it is always a better day when I don’t. Good luck and congrats on being a mother AND being Freshly Pressed.
I greatly appreciate this post! I am also not That Mom and it took some time getting used to not being able to do certain things. Now that I have 2 children, my friends/family know and understand that sometimes we can’t make it to certain things. Sometimes it gets a bit easier as they get older, but then there’s a whole new set of things that kids do once they’re in their toddler stages lol. Best of luck!
Sounds like you have your hands full! It’s nice to hear a person say they have found comfort in the underground! 🙂
Wow — this is enlightening! I don’t have any kids (though I’d like to), and I’m constantly thinking about all this: the pluses and minuses, the weirdness that must come with taking care of someone all. the. time. It scares the shit out of me, but I appreciate reading stuff like this.
Just when I think I’ve made up my mind, some coworker comes into my office to tell me all about how her daughter smeared poop all over the bedroom wall. And in the next breath, she asks me when I’m going to have a kid.
There are ups and downs but if you truly want children – it’s all worth it! Don’t rush the decision.
You’ve really captured all the estlasines in this subject area, haven’t you?
Three children later and I can assure you that it gets better – even as I struggle with believing that myself. I wish my third was one who “automatically [came] with an inherently good nature.” Three children later and I’ve never been “that mom”. I’ve certainly gotten better at juggling, but it’s tough when you’re in the thick of things. It’s exhausting more often than not…and children do grow up.
I have to agree with you – at least from my perspective and experience you can’t have it all. While my children are young I choose to order my life around them because I’m the adult…and they’re not. I can postpone what I want – they’re developmentally unable to distinguish between needs and wants. Discovering that sometimes makes me want to lie on the floor and kick and scream like my toddler. Moving past the kicking and screaming? As Megan said – “one huge smack upside the head.”
Good points!
There is no such thing as “having it all”. It is a myth. Because if there is one thing that you learn as a parent it is for everything you do – there is something else you are not doing. That is always the fact, for every parent – even those that deny it vehemently.
I commend you for writing such an honest post, and for realizing that these precious moments with your child are more important than a lunch with friends. Not that there is anything wrong with lunch with friends, but it sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight, unlike some parents out there who have their children constantly on the back burner. Trust me, when you are at the end of your days and you look back upon your life, you won’t worry about the bridal showers you missed. You’ll be grateful for all the cuddles and smiles you were there to experience. Good article! Glad to see something pro motherhood on Freshly Pressed!
Great post! I like your truthful, realistic encouragement for new moms.
I had similar experiences–Meg arrived way ahead of schedule, so I started behind the 8 ball! Sleep deprivation was a huge issue. I knew I was teetering on the edge when I seriously wondered if I had just nursed my baby or the dog!!!!
Now Meg is 8 and I have re-joined the world slowly, almost without me noticing it. Not the same as before, but different, and more fulfilling.
I was sleep deprived for so long I thought I’d be eternally tired. Still haven’t got caught up and my youngest is 4! LOL 3 of my kids didn’t sleep through the night until they were 3 yrs. old…
Love your blog. Thanks for posting such a great post
Short, sweet, to the point, FREatexEc-ly as information should be!
Great post! I couldn’t agree more – when baby’s happy, everyone’s happy.
Thanks! Love your post on the Fussy Baby Network. I will DEFINITELY be giving them a ring from California.
Thank you!:) I hope you find them as helpful as I did. It sounds like you’ve got things figured out though with the exercise ball. I am grateful to say that ours is now back where it belongs – in the closet collecting dust.
Add me to the list. I don’t think I even went to the grocery store until my daughter was 2 months old never mind a restaurant. I totally thought I’d be that mom, now I hate that mom.
I totally get what you’re saying! My second child only slept 15 min. at a time, so going anywhere was nearly impossible. Plus, if you did go somewhere he wouldn’t sleep – he’d be awake, wanting to see everything! I went underground for nearly two years. It’s easier to stick to a schedule than pay for it for days. When I had my 3rd and 4th close together, it was constant diaper changing and feeding. I hardly ever did what I wanted or needed. But those days are gone, and although I’m sad that my kids are bigger, I do not miss those times. It was great in the moment, but I like that they grow up, too! 🙂
As they get older, it gets easier and more complicated at the same time. Those new baby days aren’t easy, it seems like time slows as your living that round the clock life and once it’s gone, it’s like you blinked and it is over. Great post.
It’s a good thing that you have told it how it is. Expectant Mums and Dads need to know this happens and is more the norm than the exception. All sorts of info. is available but not much on the realistic and practical side which can help the transition from go to woe. I blog about this sort of stuff from a Dads point of view. I hope things have settled a little for you and your family; your post will help some Mums and Dads know that they aren’t the only ones missing dinner at the restaurant and having fuzzy teeth.
I will reblog this on my blog if you don’t mind. Don’t be too hard on yourself. No, you can’t have it all. As a woman you have to choose whether you want a career or take care of your baby YOURSELF. I chose the last. I stayed at home for 13 years. If you want all, something will go wrong and I didn’t have the money for a nanny anyway.
I didn’t mind, I was also single mother due to an accident of the baby’s father so I had to go through everything by myself and believe you me it was hard sometimes but in a way I was lucky because I had an easy and calm baby and still have a wonderful kid who is in his teens now. Now we will have bigger problems…..just joking….;) Anyway I worked from home which was never easy for me and I only just started to get back which wasn’t easy either and still is not easy because I have been away for so long but this doesn’t mean I’m not fit for work anymore. I have so many more things to offer now and if I ever should have another kid it even will be easier because I’m more relaxed and in general women are more relaxed with a second ( or third, or fourth child). All the best. Just take it easy. Never try to be perfect. You can’t be perfect. You will make mistakes and you learn and take it more easier when the child grows up.
Hey, you’re a great writer Jaime, and put it all so well. My children are mostly grown, but you give great advice here. Wisdom. Well done.
OMG – I have a 16 yr old, and let me tell you, it’s still hard!! But still the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done!! It DOES get easier, though. 🙂 Hang in there!!
Ahhh the stuff mothers never tell.
How labor truly is…
What being a new mother is really like…
Trust me when I tell you…it doesn’t get better…only funnier.
Good luck and keep your sense of humor.
They do grow up…eventually!
I share(d) your sentiments.
Seabass is a lucky, fortunate little boy. He will realize how fortunate he is to have a mom that understands and sticks to priorities. I am a single father of two.. I don’t go out.. have few friends… and nothing can be more important than my two.. my every second with them… they are 9 and 12.. the time passes us quickly, Ms. Jaime. My blog site is about them. My situation has been different. Consume every second.
I was never that MOM, but I was the mom I had to be. Just me you!! Ha, ha. You’ll get used to it and the hang of it and it gets easier…They know where you live, too right??
evelyngarone.com
All of my girlfriends are having babies. All of them. Fifteen babies have been born since December… not a lie.
Anyway, the hubs and I understand that parenthood can be hard even though we’re not parents. Our favorite thing to do is take dinner to our friends’ house; they take care of le bebe and we set the table and whatnot. After le bebe is down, we have an adult dinner, fun conversation and do not mention the fact that momma hasn’t washed her hair in four days.
How honest and beautiful a post this is. It does get better — believe me. Just learn to just go with the flow and you’ll be much less hard on yourself. x
Excellent post. I love your honesty, but don’t be too hard on yourself… better days will come. In the meantime, you are doing exactly what you need to do. Keep taking care of that baby boy!
So I wasn’t the only one that chickened out of going anywhere with a young one? Good to know!
(Don’t tell anyone, but even a year later I still chicken out when he’s fussier than normal or doesn’t get a good nap…)
I agree there is no such thing as having it all. We waited 20 years to have children. Yes that is correct, 20-YEARS!! I bet you ask yourself why?
I thought by being more financially stable, get the traveling bug out of the way, spending countless hours together till we could finish each other sentences, and taking care of other couples children would train us to handle any challenge our kids would throw at us. I even bragged that I wanted 5 kids.
So let me tell you that for the first 5 years of having children, we did not get a good nights sleep. That is something that you just cannot prepare for. I could handle everything else, but walking around like a zombie all day was the pits. And now I find out after questioning my sanity that one of my sons had an extra chromosome, now that was a curve ball I did not see coming my way. I thought I had everything under control. But boy was I dead wrong.
What I can tell you is that children choose you for a reason. I just can’t explain it, and it has nothing to do with religion, but it does have something to do with things happen for a reason. So hold on tight because its going to be a bumpy ride for just a little while, then all of a sudden….there is a light at the end of the tunnel and boy is it a great feeling to have them as your kids. They will tear you up, spit you out and at the same time make you laugh till you wet your pants and give you the most amount of joy that money cannot buy. That is priceless
Wow…I think I could have written this about 6-12 months ago – right down to the part about the exercise ball! Thank you for being so candid (and entertaining) about something that so many of us feel but few of us talk about. Hang in there! Clearly you’re a GREAT mom even if you’re not THAT mom. 🙂
Hi Jaime…
For me that time was 9 and 6.5 years ago. So When I look back I just laugh about it. I Remember those day, like you said stay in pajama the whole day. My powder last for months from not wearing make up most of the time. Even though now things are better but the challenge came in different face. Still enjoy the moment as much as you can.
That’s really thinking at an imepssrive level
I think you’ve spoken to a lot of women.
Great article. I agree that “That Mom” doesn’t exist except in movies, perhaps.
Motherhood is hard at most stages, and the first is especially hard because you have to learn to be selfless, and you have to let go of what our culture tells you “success” is.
But take heart; showering and leaving the house does get easier eventually!
Staying home with your baby is certainly a blessing to be thankful for, despite the challenges. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost eight years now, and family life goes much more smoothly with me here, keeping home a soft place for my family to land. I really can’t imagine our life any other way.
God bless you and your little one!
I don’t have a kid… but im struggling to manage my life without one let alone with one. i give my thumbs up to you and all the mothers out there who have babies. it sounds so difficult. my cousin just had a baby and i hardly see her except if i go and visit her which is rare coz i cant handle my own time. she tells me how hard it is because 24hours a day shes at the babies call.
my best friend had a baby a few years back and she went through similar things, but in the end (child is now 5 years of age) she said that she wouldn’t have had it any other way, as her child is now bigger and shes happy to have spent all that time with her baby.
a blessing in disguise I’d call it..
Nice Article. I Liked reading it :)http://jlovestyles.wordpress.com/
If it makes you feel any better, I was That Mom with my first and then reality beat me to a shadow of my former self when I had my second. He is That Child. The child that screams all the time – for various reasons, the fun part is figuring out what the reason is. Everything is a battle: car seats, changing clothes, getting into the bath, getting out of the bath, going to a program, leaving the program, etc. My neighbours probably think that I am That Other Mom. The crazed lunatic who runs outside in her pajamas after hearing the door open and seeing my child run (who knew 2 year olds could run that fast) out into the street. Yes, we have locks now.
Know you are not alone. It is a rough journey, but there are others with you. We’re all just locked away at home.
http://www.4mothers1blog.wordpress.com
Thank you for writing this great blog. I have had the same experiences as you.
Great post! I loved the brutal honesty that you’re talking about. It’s amazing how some people think that their lives won’t change drastically with the addition of a new human being to their lives, which they are, at least initially, responsible for. My partner and I are going to be ‘creating’ children soon, and when we do, we both intend to not be working – at all. Our attention will be fully devoted to the child. 🙂
With Love and Gratitude,
The Intentional Sage
Finally, some one else is in the same pickle! Or at least you have shared your story 🙂 I have a 4 year old and 9 month old. Every time I go to the store (because I am completely out of formula and hubby is working) the baby is actually quiet and soaks it all in. It’s the four year old who won’t sit still, or stop screaming, or stop yelling “HELLO” to every single patron passing us by. He has always fussed at the store, almost like there was an invisible sign as we enter the store to flick on the loud switch. I get so terribly embarrased every time. Is it glutton for punishment? I have found a small pocket of time, after the baby is asleep and the eldest is busy getting ready for bed. That is my time to cook or bake or indulge in some of the ice cream hidden at the back of the freezer. When you’re a mom, it’s the small things that count when it comes to sanity!
I completely LOVE your article. I feel like you were a part of a conversation I just had earlier today!!! Can’t wait to read more!
Absolutely brilliant writing. Although I’m not a parent (and the entire thought is a number of years off), the elegance and natural flow of your writing is totally captivating! Thanks for sharing!
THANKYOU for writing this!!!!! So very refreshing! People need to know that unless said mother is a rich celebrity, “that mom” does NOT exist! If by some chance i am mistaken, and there ARE mothers like this around, then they are a freak of nature, and probably one in a billion! The people who suggest you CAN be “that mom” are generally childless. When they have kids of their own, they are in for a very rude shock!
I have been there, one day I spent five hours in a darkened bathroom on an exercise ball with the water running. I say that take care of you is doing whatever makes you feel better. If it’s folding laundry or crossing other items off your To Do list, whatever gets you going, that’s what you do. 🙂 Hang in there, you can do this, even though somedays you don’t feel like you can. 🙂
Oh, the realities of motherhood… Thanks for describing what all of us feel when welcoming the arrival of our precious baby. Thinking you can be the “perfect” mom (I’m working on defining that by the way!)only leads to a daily reality check. But no mom would have it any other way. There are many, many rewards to come, so enjoy your time at home with baby and know that things get (a little) better every day.
Oh so true! I am 3 months into my first-time-mama adventure and I feel exactly the same. It’s nice to know you’re not alone, even if you are, technically, alone, huh? 🙂
Too funny! One time, I was nursing my son in a cafe while working on my laptop, and for a moment, I felt like That Mom.
But I knew I wasn’t.
How refreshing…Thanks for sharing!
this post is awesome.
I’m not a mum but I think that kind of mum does not exist unless there’s a secret army of caregivers, grandparents? or nannies. Looking after babies is a 24/7 job and I admire my friends who manage it.
keep your head up friend it’s bound to get better. i’m due with my second child and my first is just over a year… i have a feeling that i will NEVER be That Mom….
I just discovered your site as I logged into my wordpress acct and am delighted I did.
I’m a divorced mother of two little guys who were in diapers when I separated from my ex husband.
I do think that having it all is an illusion- and I say that as a mother and a psycholgist and someone who is trying to figure out how not to have social media take over her family life!
You make a fresh and delightful contribution to the conversation about how to make it all work, imperfectly.
I don’t know who you wrote this for but you helped a brother out.
Happened to stumble across your blog and this post today. So glad I did. Incredibly honest and real. Thanks.
Seeing the picture of the adorable little baby, I believe that you’re a very LUCKY mom! I’m looking forward to being a mom like you ^^
Some people really are disgustingly lucky. Lol. I have a friend who has a smooth, easy pregnancy… no morning sickness or weird cravings at all. She barely gained that much weight, and her birth was both easy AND fast. And her son? Quiet baby, good sleeper, and even now that he’s 3, he’s completely obedient!
I don’t have a kid yet, but something tells me that my experience will be more along the lines of yours! Lol. After all, in a circle of friends, only one of you gets to be “That Mom,” right? xD
Good luck with you & your baby :3
peace
I have six kids. I have it all….all the love and blessings one could hope for. Don’t get caught up in this world of junk. You are the girl in the beezy dress, in your husband’s eyes. Keep looking for the real stuff.
I kept all the babies in the family bed until about 18 months or the new one arrived. It is great for keeping rested and the babies love it.
Eat when the baby eats..don’t worry about the crumbs on his head, just bath him later!
Blessings
i
Ah, what a fabulous post! My daughter is that kind of mom you describe (She’s not a celeb and she doesn’t have help). I wasn’t. But the difference has less to do with capability than with comfort level. We all make pronouncements before our children are born, but the reality of that child often creates a different kind of choice.
As the mother of 3 and 5 years olds respectively, I can confidently say the following:
1) THAT mom is a media construction and doesn’t exist. I’ve met alot of moms over the years, and I’ve yet to met her.
2) It all gets easier, though never easy. Rookie parents neurotically hover over their offspring. Seasoned veterans appreciate that fact that must of us managed to survive childhood.
Relax, m’dear. And quite blogging. It’ll help your brain think about things other than baby. Which is good.
I love this post! My first several months with my daughter (now 14 months) were very much the same- reflux and all! With us, it was a combination of the baby sling, soother and a strange rhythmic shushing sound, the pattern of which I somehow created in my permanently semi-conscious state.
It always seemed like everyone else’s babies were quiet, independently happy, easy going little balls of mush, always up for adventure. Our darling little girl was not. What is so difficult to explain (but you have put so eloquently here) is the fact that some of the most fulfilling, joyous, and inspiring times in my life were spent in the middle of the night, jazzily shushing my funny little tyrant of a baby. After all, when she’s happy, I’m happy. Thanks for such a wonderful read!
Great post. Fresh breath of reality. Parenthood is one experience you cannot duplicate. It is so rewarding and so stressful. It is so full of love and so full of pain and worry all in the same breath. As my mom said though, as our kids get bigger, so do the worries. My oldest in 21 and just got back to base in Germany from Iraq. My youngest is 16 and will be driving soon. You may have heard this before, but enjoy these young years. You can craddle them when they get older…but it’s harder to hold them down 🙂
http://angnic.wordpress.com
I stumbled upon this post as I was posting my own weekly post about my little guy (www.tuesdayswithjack.com). I must admit, now that I’m 18 months into motherhood with my own little man who lacks the ability to be flexible, I find your post refreshing. My husband and I have only been out of the house on a date night three times, each when he’s already gone down for the night. This weekend we are finally attempting a weekend vacation for a family reunion and I’m secretly terrified while reassuring my hubby. Thanks for your honesty. I was beginning to think I was the only cave dwelling Mommy who lacks the ability to go out to lunch with her little one. 🙂
Well, I don’t have any kids yet (or at least I have not got any call backs! JOKE :D) but I look forward to the stress of one day having kids. Consider yourself lucky! Those days will pass and one day you will wish them back again! Stay motivated and YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB! Even if the teeth are furry and the armpits are needing a park ranger to watch for fires!
Me 😀
What a terrific post! My kiddos are 4 1/2 and 2 and I was just thinking today about how glad i am that the 2 yr old is on the afternoon nap schedule now. Last summer it was the 10-ish to 1-ish nap. I can do stuff again now in the morning!
Granted, it’s dicey..I was so proud of myself last summer when we made it thru 2 stores without a tear..
Thanks for your honest and well-written post – and congrats on making the time to write it! (My current hurdle..my writing gets put on a back burner too much:( )
Love Seabass’ name, also!
I love your article and your writing style. You are lovely.
But is Seabass a real name – is it not fish?
Cheers and take care 🙂
Great post and very true! I went through the same thing when my son was born, except I had complications breastfeeding, so he cried the whole time he ate! Then we had to start supplementing with formula and the mix made his gassy, which made him cry! Life as a parent definitely is different, but I wouldn’t trade it. While it is fun sitting on the patio of a trendy restaurant sipping sangria, you don’t get as much back.
My son is 7 months now and he is accomplishing so much and as a mom it makes me proud to know I’m taking him every step. Granted, driving to the grocery store without him bawling is a miracle. And when we do make him adjust around us for a night out we do pay. It’s worth every single moment.
Hopefully your Seabass will start sleeping all night and start discovering ways to entertain himself and give you so relief soon! Good Luck!
You may not be That Mom but you are pretty damn good to be able to still write like that. At least, you haven’t lost your language skills. I was so tired I would still be trying to remember That Word.
My hats off to you for embracing what you have. Hold on tight because when you finally you emerge, you will realize that time is slipping by so quickly.
It’s hard work to be a mom (it’s hard to be a dad, too). Your priorities change and everything you see in life you see through different filters.
I have two kids and to be honest, looking into their eyes and having them say “I love you dad” means more than anything else in the world. I would rather be with my kids than out with my friends (95% of the time, anyway).
I am not a mom either…somehow I think that more moms need to have a similar realization, especially in that first year of motherhood. We need to give ourselves permission to focus on navigating a new world, a new life with baby. Its a huge life change! Thanks for the post and congrats on being freshly pressed!
http://wp.me/pVWZl-5C
I found your blog while just surfing wordpress.com for some interesting articles to read. I LOVE it. I plan on frequently checking in on your blog to see the latest and greatest. This is an awesome article and I love your writing style. I am a single mom who feels your pain. And you have someone with you as well, I do the work for both parents and probably then some. So I totally feel ya!
*Tanya*
bcomingnoahsmom
http://www.bcomingnoahsmom.wordpress.com
Jaime,
I would like to interview you for my mom interview series in my blog. If you don’t mind taking a few moments with me, I would appreciate it! I am interested in your mom experience from what I have read in your blog. Please email me at theloveofmylifewearsdiapers@gmail.com
thanks!! 🙂
*Tanya*
Lovely post! I know I won’t be that mom/wife/friend to always has it put together. I’m not even that way now as a full-time housewife. Just keepin’ it real.
Renae from Launderlife
http://launderlife.wordpress.com
Thanks for posting such a great post. I love mom.
Wow, what a fantastic post!
Infancy conforms to no one.
Awe! The perks of motherhood. You gotta love it!
Great post! Not a mom yet, but I can agree with many of your points. Congrats to any of “Those Moms” if there are any indeed. 🙂
Great Post & comments. I’m thinking of sending this to my son who is the stay-at-home Dad. (he’s the freelance photog & mom is the wage earner w/insurance)
Sonny calls home (NYC to CA) frequently to express his exasperation at not being able to get any work done.
Having family close would really help. (CA Gramma has offered to fly back to NYC to babysit.) We had both Grandmas in town when our kids were growing up. It was real nice.
Baby Riley is 1yr old now, and life is getting a little better — though #2 baby is on the way ;-O
Pictures if you’re interested: http://slowoodworker.wordpress.com/2010/06/19/like-father-like-son/
I’m Not That Mom…Nice article! Good luck for both (you & baby)
I got all the respect in the world for moms, you deal with a lot and no one knows what you’re going through because every kid and baby is different from the next. You guys are exhausted, sleep deprived, and really can’t spend that time on yourself… and if you do, you can feel incredibly guilty doing it. Or, like you said, it’s just easier to revolve stuff around him and then it’s less of a headache for you, which I totally understand.
you are not alone!
The exercise ball is an interesting technique, I’ve never thought of that one! We’ve used a bouncy chair (which vibratesand sings) since birth. It’s been a God send.
First off, I would definitely suggest baby carrying. My daughter never liked her car seat, so I spent shopping trips (and really the majority of my time around the house) with her in our Sleepy Wrap. It’s stretchy fabric so it is kind of like swaddling. Also frees both hands and I was always sure she was okay because I could feel her breathing on my neck.
Secondly, one thing I tried to do when Peanut was a newborn was leave the house every day. Even if it’s a walk around the block. Heck, even if it’s just standing out in the yard and showing her the flowers for five minutes. Just the simple act of NOT being in the house made life suddenly seem so much better.
That’s exactly how it happens- I was told. I wasn’t a wailing baby; however, my mom too had decided to be restricted at home. Reasons: to provide me with the utmost care..!!
I’ll never know my share as I have decided not to bear one- very personal and psychological reasons.
Wish you loads of patience and some good sleeping time too..
Cheers..
A very honest view of motherhood, Life is never what we expect it to be. However, I am sure you have found many hidden treasures since the little one arrived. The smallest of moments that blow you away because you never expected that a smile or a sound could create such pleasure from someone that communicates on a different level of expression rather than words. Keep Smiling.
Brilliant post! I empathize – I’m a mom who doesn’t venture far. I put off adventurous holidays, I avoid long journeys, heck I stay in way more than I should. And I know it’s not good for me. I spoke to a mom of a 3 and 1 year old last week who’d taken the kids to Paris for the weekend. I shuddered at the thought, but I too wish I could be that mom.
What a lovely, and what a true post. I was also never “that” mom – I was the tired, haggard mom with the collicky baby who could do nothing right to soothe her baby.
Thankfully, things change, and after about 5 months, I came back out into the world with peace of mind knowing that my child was ready to enjoy the variations in routine.
Ah, what you say brings me back to when my son was that age. One thing that really really helped me was being with other mums who were looking after first infant, too. They don’t care if your kids cries or if he doesn’t nurse modestly. And they are also often in their PJs in the afternoon, too!
Five years on – my kids is for sure over his colic. Gotta say that he is still pretty effective at fussing when conditions don’t meet his needs. But he has a great sense of humour, which makes it all easier for everyone. As you’ve shown…!
Enjoy.
Hi “Not That Mom”,
I loved this post. I am not a mother and am never likely to be one but my friends have young babies and I can totally relate to what you have written. And what a fantastic writer you are!
Morgan 🙂
This is amazing. I never thought about this, ever. I am a young, single mother of a 3-year old girl.. I had to work alongside taking care of my daughter, now I am currently undertaking postgraduate studies. Well, I am making it with the help of my family, but I never thought how different it could be for different mothers. But I think it’s all the same — we find the same ultimate joy. =)
It’s an interesting and inspiring post, Jamie! I’ve been there 2,5 years ago and things r getting much better after my daughter able to understand her environment. And I think you’re lucky for you still have time to write this blog. I stop blogging for nearly two years, and after almost every people look at me and say that I am “that Mom”, I am still not able to do even half of some things I really want to do.
I remember those bold tear drops for I lost my friends, activities, I delay my college year, quit the bands, not attending parties/dinner, etc. but everything is worth it every time I look into my daughter and see her smiling. you will want to do everything and ready to lose anything to keep Seabass’ happy smile.
Enjoy every moment, because it will never come back 🙂
Good luck to you, Jacob and Seabass 🙂
This article is wonderful!! Love it. And, thank you.
I am a wife and mother to three little monsters all under the age of three. I too struggled with the pressure of wanting it all and proving to everyone else that I could do it all. Oh boy, was that a battle! Once I let those feelings and expectations go, I felt renewed and had a new sense of pride. Not in myself but in my family. Props to you, mommy! 🙂
Doesn’t it make motherhood feel all the extraordinary? As a mother, look at the sacrifices you are making. You are choosing a human being which you created over yourself, but it isn’t just any human being, it is your child. So be PROUD! Who knows? Maybe your sacrifices today will make a leader of tomorrow…
-Noor
http://noor724.wordpress.com/
🙂
This was a wonderful post! So, so, so true! This was very much my experience with my son. It took SO much adjustment. He’s 2.5 now and I’m happy to tell you, as a lot of others did, that it gets MUCH better. Your son will get easier and sleep better and the reflux will resolve. You will have to nurse him less often and then you’ll start to become more and more of THAT mom. I promise.
I do want to say though, that while I agree that life is more manageable when it revolves around the baby, you STILL have to take care of you too. You CAN go out to lunch and you should. It will make both you and the baby happier. Schedule between feedings and leave him with dad. It’s something I didn’t do and I wish that I had. I think it would have made those first few months a bit better.
You have a great attitude and I’m sure even if you aren’t THAT mom you’ll be a great one!
That was a great post and so true!! I think you’ve discovered the secret to happiness…accepting where you are at the time. I’m all about taking care of yourself and “preach” about it often, but it doesn’t always mean spa days and lunch with friends, sometimes it simply means doing what you have to do to make life easy, peaceful, and manageable and when you let go of the unrealistic expectations all of that naturally happens.
I have three girls. My oldest is 9 and my youngest is 5. For years I didn’t take them out much, especially if I had to take all of them by myself, because that was what worked for me and my children. That part gets easier though. This summer I took a road trip with them all by myself and we just had a two week family vacation and it was the first vacation I have truly enjoyed since my honeymoon.
Keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy it.
I’m not that mom either, I am right there with you struggling to adjust and figure it all out.
Thanks for the inhitsg. It brings light into the dark!
I don’t have any children, but these are the same lies I tell myself so I will want to have children. I admire you for your honesty and don’t think you have to do it all. Girlfriends will come over to help you don’t have to go out to see them.
Whoa, things just got a whole lot earise.
Holy shit, is your son’s name REALLY Seabass? That’s awesome. Kick his ass, Seabass!!!
Oops, guess I should have read the “About Seabass” section first. Still awesome.
Been there. Done that. What you (and other parents) have to realize is that of course you aren’t “that mom” because you are a different person now. I am not even close to the same person I was before my son and my daughter were born. Friends have fell by the way side and disappeared, new friends have shown up.
With every life event we change into someone else. Not worse or better…just different. We learn new lessons and gain new knowledge and so we change.
With that said…don’t worry. Once the baby is old enough it won’t be an issue to get a shower and brush your teeth and meet someone for lunch. It will be quicker than you think.
I love your realism! I’m due August 23rd and completely freaking out over staying home for the first time in my entire life. Transitioning from a workaholic to a stay-at-home mommy? It’s scary. Thank you for being so honest and reminding me that moms are human, babies are human, and that it’s okay.
I don’t have any children- but seeing pretty much ALL of my friends go through this, I can tell you that you are not alone! It is like parental hazing or something. As a friend of the shut-in new moms I am okay with not going out to eat, or shopping, etc. I want to go and just sit with them. A good friend is totally okay with doing nothing. Sadly a lot of the time they tell me no b/c their house is wreck, they haven’t showered, there’s nothing to eat, the baby is fussy, etc.
I understand that, and I don’t want to sound blase- but none of that matters to me! When I get to see my friend and a baby my vision goes fuzzy around the edges and all I see is them.
Anyways- that is my little soapbox. 😉 Try not to stress too much, and know that you are not alone. A woman that can do it all is the exception- not the rule!
Congrats on your new baby!!!
I really appreciate your blog. I’m expecting my first baby (8 1/2 weeks along), and I’ve not been sure what to expect. I think this has put some things in perspective.
I have several friends who have had their first over the past few years and they have been incredibly encouraging. I’m really thankful for their support.
You may not even see this since you have so many comments, but thanks for sharing!
Laura
Just what the doctor oredrde, thankity you!
i understand u, a lot! i have a 16month old babygirls, and it could be very hard some times!!!
btw you’re got the easy way with breastfeeding (immagine you to come out with bottles and forumla???even harder!!!)
and for me the discovering of a babysling changed my lifeee!!! it was a ways easyer to go out and breath some air…whie she napped in the babycarrier!!!!
and i startend showering with my baby when she was 2month…so i could get washed too 😛
i wish all the best for u 🙂
I’m kind of the oddball here, because while I wasn’t “that mom,” I was out and about with my eldest from an early age. I think she was less than a month old the first time I took her to a real restaurant (not McD’s or one of those).
But I never was one for being Freshly Pressed or having a full calendar. Instead, my focus was more on helping my children (I have two) learn how to conduct themselves in public. My daughter was much easier on that score than my son, but that could be because I was trying to keep an eye on two instead of one. 🙂
Today, they are 17 and 19. My daughter lives on her own and is a great young adult. Mature, funny and self-assured. My son has had some struggles (mild Aspergers), but he’s doing well, too, planning on entering the Army after high school.
I admire your willingness to admit that all of those things you “wouldn’t do” fall away in the face of reality. As long as you are happy with your family and your life, the rest is details. They grow very fast, and before you know it, they’ll be the ones with the full calendars.
So you are not that mom. Actually the only mom’s like that I think exist in movie/tv land, where they only spend a few minutes with the child, before it is escorted out of the way. I have 4 boys, some were easier then others, but one thing is for sure, one day, you will sit in a chair again, sleep most nights, and be able to leave the house without a diaper bag. But you will exchange it for running in the aisles, begging for toys or candy, and cute little peanut butter fingers that want to play in your hair! You are doing a good thing! Having it all is really only a matter of perspective!
Thanks for your post. A lot of moms will be encouraged by it. I’ve often had people ask me why my daughter is so well behaved in public–at restaurants, etc. That is because I try not put her in situations where she is tired and cranky. We let our schedule revolve around her need to nap and eat regularly and stick to a schedule, and we don’t expect her to adapt to our whims. And, when we do go out, all of us well rested and happy, we have a much better time. And you know, I haven’t disappeared, even by keeping her needs first.
Loved this entry. It is so true. My kids are 4 and 12 and while I’m not THAT MOM, I’m a pretty darn good one and that’s what counts, right?
Oh my! He looks so cute!! what a darling little boy. How old is this darling angel?
Only those who have help at home may just look and feel like that. The rest……….no more need be said
we need more honest writers like u. lovely article!
To all the Moms who have responded to this author.
This one’s for you.
You are doing the good work!
First – thank your lucky stars you are going through this in the age of blogging – writing about it makes it better – keep writing. Second – not all babies are created equal, and you are right to attend to Seabass (LOVE that) in order to make your life work for you. Eventually you will hit a rhythm and it will feel like a miracle because it is one. Third – look for specific things that irritate your baby and target making them better – like the reflux. Nexium is amazing if this condition persists as he matures. Fourth – as one who has only now begun to emerge as my three kids (one with a disability) mature, there is no more transcendant moment than coming out of the other side of the parenting experience and meeting yourself, and your world, all over again. It will be there when you are ready – and rested!
lettershead.com
Why didn’t any body tell us about all this before we got pregnant. You hit the nail on the head. Love your blog!
Having been raised by a single mother until I was 11, I saw just how difficult it is to try to ‘have it all.’
I believe parents have the toughest job in the world, but hopefully it’s just as rewarding 🙂
What a pleasure to find someone who ideiinftes the issues so clearly
Umm, are you really just giving this info out for nonhitg?
Loved this! Thank you for being so real! I often feel this way, and I am sure that other mom’s do as well, but for some reason so many act like they can do everything when really they cannot. It’s all about putting on a front.
It’s good to see someone thniikng it through.
I’m not that mom either. You are a great writer – love the blog. My nephew is called Seabass as well; his given name is Sebastian. Thanks for sharing!
I loved reading this post. Well said.
Because energy is ceoesrvnd. The chemical bonds in a glucose molecule are at a higher energy level than those in CO2 and H2O, and because energy must be ceoesrvnd, that allows us to do work along a biochemical pathway. Cells use that work t(o assemble ATP, which can be broken down by proteins to do anything that requires an energy input.This is completely in line with the 2nd law. Just the fact that we are turning one mole of solid into at least 6 (depending on how you count water) moles of gas gives an enormous entropy increase without even considering anything else. Since we are not extracting all the energy as work (the leftovers become body heat), it’s good.
As Charlie Sheen says, this article is “WNN!INGI”