Good Stuff #4: Swing aka Welcome to the Machine

2 Aug

Looks a little like something from The Matrix.

Years ago, long before the thought of having children was anything less than distantly ludicrous to me, a friend told me how much she enjoyed it when her little boy had a low-grade fever.  It sounded vaguely cruel to me until she explained why: “Because then he lets me hold him.”

Ahh, the un-cuddle-able child.  Now I can identify.  Having a baby who doesn’t enjoy being held is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to come to terms with as a new mom.  In the first few weeks of C’s little life, I heard complaints from other moms along the lines of,  “My arms are going to fall off” or, “If I put the baby down, she cries until I pick her up again.”   Hearing this aroused an insane jealousy in me.  Maybe it’s my fault, I thought.  Maybe Seabass just doesn’t like meHis own mother.

Why would I think such crazy thoughts? Because more often than not, when Seabass cries it’s because he wants desperately to be put down, not picked up.  But he doesn’t want to be put down into something motionless.  No, no, it has to be moving, always moving, majorly moving, gotta move, let’s move move MOVE OR ELSE I’LL SCREAM AND YELL AND SHRIEK AND MAKE ONLOOKERS THINK IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR, LADY.

So, to keep Mr. C happy and moving up until the last moments of consciousness every night, I swaddle him up like a mummy, nurse him, and then place him in a cradle swing made by Fisher-Price called the “Starlight Papasan” (whose name kind of creeps me out, but I’ll leave Fisher-Price to deal with any vernacular confusion on that one).  Sure, I’d rather cuddle and rock him to sleep in my arms, but that just ain’t in the cards.

Pre-baby, I’d heard many of the so-called experts preach that swings are evil machines because they lull babies to sleep unnaturally.  Well, after unnaturally lulling Seabass to sleep with success for 12 weeks now, all I have to say is bring on the evil machines. (I swear, if we discovered that feeding Dran-o to Seabass was even marginally safe for calming him down, we’d give it some thought.)

Thank goodness that despite his irrational colicky craziness, our precious boy is actually a very good sleeper once he’s down.  There have been mornings into afternoons into evenings of constant struggle and pain, but they always end with little C asleep and at peace with the world, at least for three hours at a time.  In fact, for the last two nights the little tyke has slept seven and a half hours straight.  Glory be!  (I can hear the mocking laughter of you parents out there who know this will not last.  But please, allow me my moment of vain hope.)

Good question: What happens when the motor can no longer support Seabass’ heft?  The manual says the Starlight Papasan can handle anything up to 22 lbs, but it’s already creaking along with a good amount of effort at 15+ lbs.  Better question: What happens when Seabass decides he doesn’t like the swing anymore?  I literally do not know what I’ll do when and if that happens.

Panic, I guess.  And probably cry a lot.

12 Responses to “Good Stuff #4: Swing aka Welcome to the Machine”

  1. Kim August 2, 2010 at 8:04 am #

    I had Luke in the papasan til he was about 25 lbs, and mine creaked the whole time! I think that is what they do once they lose the newness! The papasan was his crib for the first 5 months, I loved that thing!

  2. donnatellabella August 2, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Ha, love it! Any suggestions on how to rock a 12 and an 8 year old to sleep? Wish they made a machine for that age group.

  3. bcomingnoahsmom August 2, 2010 at 9:08 am #

    I hear ya my dear!! Really I do. I know the feeling!


  4. Megan August 2, 2010 at 10:03 am #

    My daughter was the one who didn’t like to be held…she is still not a touchy-feely person, 17 years later. She was always happiest atop the dryer as it whirled away.

  5. Kat Kauthen August 2, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    Oh my gosh! That video is hilarious! I love it.

    And Scarlett loved it too, because, thanks to her grandma, she loves Pink Floyd.

  6. Jenn Avila August 2, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    I had no idea that Seabass and London were so much alike. Hopefully C’s colickness will stop before the swing does. London never even liked the swing. But around 6 months the screaming stopped and some normalcy crept in. Then we started the “crying it out” process. Once that was all figured out sleep time wasn’t a stress. I’m praying girl. We really do need to get together. I’m sure we would have some laughs:)

  7. geiska August 2, 2010 at 8:53 pm #

    I totally laughed my tail off at that video. You are hilarious and possibly have too much time on your hands. 🙂

  8. Katy August 4, 2010 at 10:54 am #

    Dudes. I love the audio accompanying the video. Your timing is impeccable.

  9. Amelia August 6, 2010 at 11:38 am #

    Your posts are great – I’m cracking up at “bring on the evil machines.” I too read how swings are just another sleep prop, etc. etc. and when I had my Julian I was determined not to use any…well, there were many things I was determined not to do and let’s just say I tried them all! I can really relate to your posts!


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