5pm – Start cooking dinner. You know, something mild that Sweet Chuck can tolerate when she gets it via breastmilk. In other words: no spices, no soy, no dairy (butter, cheese, milk, casein, whey), no broccoli, no cauliflower, no tomatoes, no onions, no garlic, and no nuts. So fire up a pot of boiling water, cuz it’s boiled chicken and rice tonight, baby!!
5:11pm – Sweet Chuck starts wailing. Stop everything, pour self a cold beer, and nurse with glass in hand.
5:30pm – Daddy comes home. Don’t forget to accept his kiss and look him in the eye for half a second.
6pm – Restart dinner proceedings. Clean up stove where rice boiled over.
6:30pm – Sit down to dinner with Sweet Chuck in bouncer between me and Seabass, as per his very specific request. Pray in gratitude for the food. Start to dish up plates until derailed by screaming Sweet Chuck.
6:32pm – Leave table to bounce Sweet Chuck on giant living-room-dominating yoga ball while inserting pacifier into gaping mouth.
6:50pm – Watch as Daddy and Seabass leave table and head toward the bathroom for a bath.
7pm – Make it back to boiled chicken and rice, now cold. Sweet Chuck fidgets in bouncer nearby.
7:15pm – Seabass and Daddy finish bath, proceed to bedroom for ni-night routine. Try to clean up enough of dinner to ensure that life can go on the following day.
7:30pm – Make appearance in Seabass’ room to say goodnight with ever-fussier Sweet Chuck in arms. Feel crushing guilt that Seabass doesn’t get all of me anymore.
7:32pm – Change Sweet Chuck into pajamas, swaddle in Miracle Blanket, and nurse.
7:50pm – Bounce Sweet Chuck on yoga ball while inserting pacifier.
8pm – Lay Sweet Chuck down in bouncer, crank white noise machine to eleven, and hope for the best.
8:02pm – Brush teeth, wash face, note dull skin, dark eye circles and flabby tummy in mirror, wondering when I can reasonably expect them to go away. Don pajamas that allow for emergency boob access. Take vitamins, including stool softener and ibuprofen to ease inflammation in still-healing nether-region.
8:15pm – Pump breastmilk for a bottle that Daddy can feed to Sweet Chuck in next four to five hours.
8:30pm – Kiss Jake goodnight (oh yeah, he has a name besides Daddy!) and try to fall asleep while listening to Sweet Chuck cry with him in living room.
9pm – Fall asleep.
11pm – Rouse to sound of Sweet Chuck crying. Force myself to stay in bed and let Jake handle it.
12:57am – Feel Jake shaking me for the changing of the guard. Say goodnight to him again as he lays down in bed. Pee. Drink water. Shuffle out to living room where Sweet Chuck is screaming for milk. Attempt to change diaper, only to watch her pee all over changing table. Remove changing pad, remove Sweet Chuck’s pajamas, find new pajamas. Change diaper successfully. Hear Sweet Chuck poop with the force of a jet engine as beginning to swaddle. Cry.
1:20am – Finish getting Sweet Chuck dry, pajama’d, and swaddled. Begin nursing.
1:45am – Finish nursing. *Place Sweet Chuck in bouncer for bed. Lay down on couch to sleep.
1:47am – Hear Sweet Chuck start to squirm.
1:49am – Sweet Chuck now completely awake.
1:51am – And now screaming. Get on yoga ball and insert pacifier whilst cursing.
2:01am – Lay now-sleeping Sweet Chuck into bouncer. Lay down on couch once again.
2:03am – Hear Sweet Chuck start to squirm.
2:05am- Sweet Chuck now completely awake.
2:07am- And now screaming. Get on yoga ball and insert pacifier whilst cursing.
2:09am – Lay now-sleeping Sweet Chuck into bouncer. Lay down on couch once again.
*Repeat this sequence of events for next hour, punctuated by repeat attempts to nurse fussy Sweet Chuck and consumption of two bowls of cereal.
3:15am – Neighbors home from bars and obnoxious outside window. Nice touch.
3:30am – Actually get Sweet Chuck to sleep.
3:45am – Fall sleep.
4am- Wake to dog barfing up God-knows-what in dining room. Decide to leave it there until someone else notices, or until I slip in it and die.
4:30am – Wake to cries of hungry Sweet Chuck. Change diaper. Twice. Nurse.
5:30am – Sleep.
7am – Daddy up for work and eating breakfast four feet away from Sweet Chuck. Rustling cereal bags and spoon-against-bowl noises rouse Sweet Chuck. Nurse.
7:30am – Seabass up and demanding breakfast.
7:32am – Frantically turn to coffee maker for salvation. Remember that caffeine might irritate baby’s tummy. Pity self.