I give you this. I give you that.

31 Jul

We vacationed in Idaho with my parents for a week this summer, and all was as it should have been.  We swam in the lake, we barbecued every day, we watched movies, we zoomed to and fro in Oompa’s boat, and we lounged around a fire pit with marshmallows on long sticks. I even caught a couple fish.

The day after we returned, I got a text message from my mom asking that I call her.  When I did, she announced that she had a tumor in her breast and that she was having it biopsied that week.  The results came back that she had a 6-centimeter cancerous tumor, and her choice was to start chemo right away to shrink it before surgery.  In a matter of just two weeks, she had been diagnosed, tested from here to kingdom come, given percentages of likelihood that the cancer would come back in ten years, and begun chemotherapy, with my dad as nurse.

God, I give you my mom.

We are in the midst of a massive kitchen remodel in which Jake has orchestrated and performed nearly every bit of the work himself.  The results are stunning – this will truly be a cook’s kitchen, and perhaps the largest room in our house! – but the process is slow, tedious, and uncomfortable.   It is also all-consuming for Jake.  Me and the kids have had to stay out of his way while he does what needs doing, and even when he has been physically present, his mind has been elsewhere…or just dog-tired.  We are using the mini kitchen in our travel trailer, which thank God we have, and is parked in the driveway.

God, I give you my home.  I give you my marriage. 

And because it’s parked in the driveway, our minivan and truck have been parked on the street….where they keep getting hit by negligent drivers.  We’re talking six collisions in just two years, with compensation for damages on only two of them.  Jake also hit a deer recently.  He couldn’t tell if the truck was damaged due to the existing damage.

God, I give you our cars.

While we were in Idaho I received a call from my doctor saying she wanted me to arrange an appointment to discuss some recent blood work.  When I met with her, she shared that my thyroid numbers are in the toilet and that my kidneys appear to be suffering.  Thyroid problems can be triggered by childbirth, she said, and since I have a history of thyroid dysfunction in my family, it stands to reason that I will need to be on medication the rest of my life.  Thyroid problems can also contribute to depression.

God, I give you my health.

Seabass is three years old.  Who knew this age would be so trying?  I remember holding him as a screaming, back-arching baby and thinking I can’t wait until he’s THREE. But now THREE is here and I almost can’t handle it.  He’s willful, disobedient, and pretty outrageously annoying at times.  He baby talks.  He yells.  He kicks.  He has to know everything about everything and nothing gets past him. And then there’s Sweet Chuck, whose teeth are coming in all at once, and who’s sick and fussy and who needs MAMA AND ONLY MAMA ALL OF THE TIME.

God, I give you my children.

And then there are all the ideas, all the projects I want to complete in this life that feel like they’ll never get done – not even started.  Sometimes these projects are as ambitious as writing a book.  Other times, these projects are as simple as washing the dishes.  I had promise, at one time.  Does promise have an expiration date?

God, I give you my career and my ambitions.

I put on such a good show sometimes, acting like I’m fine!  Everything’s good!  Look at me go!  But this life is unmanageable for me.  The truth is cancer happens.  Remodels and discomfort happen.  Husbands are preoccupied. Cars get hit. Thyroids stop working. Kids irritate. And dreams get shelved.

But when I can’t accept the truth, I need to be able to put it somewhere.  So God, take it all.  Amen.

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11 Responses to “I give you this. I give you that.”

  1. Oma July 31, 2013 at 7:40 am #

    My dear girl, this is my favorite post you have ever written. )I know I say that every time, but I really mean it.) I love your honesty and your willingness to know you can’t go through this life alone. A surrendered heart is all we need and then, though it may get really messy and ugly, it is not our fight any more. I am learning that moment by moment these days.
    I love you to the moon and back,
    moo.

  2. Anonymous July 31, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    Jaime, I am so truly sorry to hear about your mom. It is stunning how common cancer is today, reaching an immediate family member of nearly every one of my friends. That fact does nothing to ease the shock and pain of a diagnosis. Sending my love to you and your Mama. On another note, your remodel is beautiful!!! I can’t believe how much space was hiding in your small home! Remodels are totally overwhelming and feel like they will never end, ten times so when you’re doing it yourself. It will come together and you will LOVE it! So happy for you and your kitchen! I’m sorry it’s all piling up at the moment. This parenting thing is HARD! And yes, three sucks. Park playdate today?

    • Anonymous July 31, 2013 at 7:50 am #

      Don’t know why my post was anonymous?? 🙂 Kristin

  3. Linda Z July 31, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    Oh, Jaime… so much to surrender here. I pray that God gives you the strength and ability to hope during all of these trials. I will be praying for you and your family and your beloved mother. You have been on my mind a lot lately. I miss you and I would love to get together with you. Hugs.

  4. Kim July 31, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    Give, and in return you will be given friends who listen, and understand; patience you never thought you could muster, answers that come in time, and the realization that we are still young and have plenty of time to fulfill those dreams and aspirations that seem so out of reach at this very moment… Virtual hugs to you!

  5. Anonymous July 31, 2013 at 10:11 am #

    I love you so much and am so proud of you! Great post!! 😉

  6. Kriste Judd July 31, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

    Jaime,
    thank you for your raw honesty and most of all your example of what to do with it all; hand it over to the Creator and Sustainer of the universe…. blessings to you and your family and so very many prayers for your sweet mama ❤

  7. Ang August 2, 2013 at 6:06 am #

    Thinking of you Jamie and thankful for the reminder to surrender… life is hard and it can be consuming. Knowing we are not alone and life is fragile makes me want to enjoy as many moments as possible. Thank you for writing – you really do have a gift 🙂

  8. Marta August 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    Jamie this is one of my favorite posts you’ve written. I’m glad that you found, took, snuck these few minutes to get this out. Because it was beautiful and honest and true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I know you will get through it all. Best wishes for your mom!

  9. ijudclaire August 6, 2013 at 9:53 am #

    Hi Jaime
    Hang on This too shall pass. I certainly remember those days! Could you please send me your Mamas address. I have had a card sitting here for 2 weeks while i search in vain for her address!

  10. Stephanie D September 6, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    Amen!

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