There’s an old Saturday Night Live sketch that parodies a round-table talk show, and it’s called “Ruining It For The Rest of Us,” wherein a moderator asks several guests to describe how they ruined some part of everyday life for the rest of mankind. One man arbitrarily puts razor blades in Halloween candy. Another man uses a store’s private restroom only to pee all over the walls, the mirror, everywhere, just for fun.
Is this clear as mud? I couldn’t find the sketch anywhere to show you. Sorry.
The punchline is this: I believe the Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market in San Luis Obispo will forevermore prohibit three-year-old boys from peeing in its restroom because of Seabass.
The untamed Seabass has only recently learned how to recognize the onset of urination and defecation. On Monday afternoon, he felt the urge while in the produce section and alerted Mama, who – with Sweet Chuck strapped to her chest and a handful of eggplant – scampered with him to the bathroom to make it all happen.
After one glance at the adult-sized potty, Seabass announced confidently that he wanted to pee standing up. For the first time.
Now, I don’t know how the male apparatus functions in such a situation. I mean, I know that guys stand up to pee, but does it come out straight? Sideways? Up and to the left?
Bingo. In this case, up and to the left.
Oh, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE. It was like the freaking Fourth of July in there. What else could I do but run for cover?
We will not be peeing standing up for at least another couple inches’ height, for everyone’s sake.