A lot of new moms are shocked by how hard it is to recover from childbirth. No one tells you that you’ll fantasize about walking for the first month, or that the real “little bundle of joy” you’re taking home is a bag full of adult diapers and Tucks pads that the hospital gives you. No one tells you that you’ll be shifting in your seat on a very very very sore behind while nursing the new baby for hours on end.
And no one tells you that you’ll pee your pants. Perhaps more than once.
At this point, some of you – particularly those of you who are male – may be clicking on that little red box with an ‘x’ inside the upper right corner of your screen because you simply don’t want to know this about me. But those of you who have had a baby or are sickly fascinated with what it’s like will enjoy the following narrative immensely.
Once again, I am up with Seabass at 3am. He’s probably about 2 weeks old, and I am dutifully changing his diaper. But when I stand up, I vaguely notice that my bladder is full. Huh, I think, I’ll have to visit the bathroom when I’m done here. This is pre-pregnancy, normal person thinking. I bring Seabass over to the changing table and – whaddya know? – he starts to cry. Really hard. As I remove his diaper, a surprisingly acute stream of pee arcs from his body to the wall. (Whenever this happens, it always takes me a second to realize what’s going on, and by that time, something – whether it’s me, the wall, or C’s face – is completely soaked.) Something about the stress of covering Seabass’ little willy while attempting to quiet him at 3am causes me once again to consider my full bladder. Wow, I really have to go, I think.
Only this time, as I’m thinking it, I’m actually peeing. Never mind that my brain is telling my body to hold it. That simply doesn’t seem to matter anymore. So I start to cry.
If we’re looking for a silver lining in this story, I can tell you that it was wonderful to connect with my son as we were both crying and peeing together. Really, a lovely moment.
But since then, I have learned a number of very important lessons:
- At the first inkling of a tinkle, run to the bathroom. Do not mosey. Do not tempt fate.
- When everyone tells you to practice Kegels during your pregnancy, do not blow it off as a mere suggestion. The practice of Kegels could mean the difference between a happy, fulfilled motherhood and the loss of all dignity.
- A wet bottom is just a sneeze away. Beware.